Never Go Shopping Hungry!
So, you're off to the grocery store to obtain foodstuffs! What is the first rule of grocery shopping? Never go grocery shopping hungry! Why, you ask? Because when you go grocery shopping hungry, chances are significantly higher that you will come back home with WAY too much food, and lower quality items that are impulse related. Yet, people find themselves "shopping" for new partners in a "hungry" state of being rather often, it seems, and are surprised when the choices they make aren't perhaps the most optimal.
Well sure, if we could just all have everything we want already available, there wouldn't be a need to go shopping hungry, right? I'm sure some of you out there are thinking that I've got such a full boat anyways, that this isn't something I've had to deal with much. After all, I've got the whole "semi-attractive bi female" thing working in my favor, so that must mean that I can pick up whoever I want, whenever I want, to do whatever I'd like. Hah! Ridiculous. Even I, with broad tastes and desires, still seek out the specific attention of a particular person, and feel "hungry" if that is denied me.
So, how does one deal with that? For me, I ask for the reassurance and feeding that I desire from my partners. If it's something that they are unwilling or unable to provide, then I try to fill up in other ways. Let's say that I have a partner that isn't that kink-oriented, but really likes to snuggle. This gives me the option to really fill up on snuggling, and look to other sources for kink. The trick is to not go looking without having filled up on something first. It's kind of like that odd scene in "Something About Mary" where the dude jacks off just prior to the date so he doesn't give off crazy horny vibes while trying to get to know her. It isn't that he stops wanting the sex, it's that he's at least sated enough to function well.
Even if it takes a lot more for me, I am capable of finding ways to fill up that don't involve others. Reading, writing, pampering myself with a bath or pedicure, fixing a special snack, or petting my dogs are all things I use to self-soothe as needed. Well, and masturbation, but that's just part of the landscape. ;) Once I've gotten to my center, it's much easier to go looking for companionship, or to have a date, and know that my "picker" is going to be online. This saves me from a great many short relationships, poor choices, and repeating of mistakes.
Being able to fill up means that I am able to better appreciate the unique qualities that each person I interact with brings to the table, and desire them for who they are, not what I need from them. Some are quiet and relaxing, others engage and hype me up. Some like going deep, while others enjoy casual connection and flirtation. Some are very sexual, and others deeply spirit-oriented. All are valued and wanted for who they are, what they bring to the table, and how we enhance each other's lives.
Be Hungry! Fullness isn't the same as apathy, and without desire, not much happens in life. If you are hungry, be fully aware of that, and caution yourself in making decisions that would satisfy parts of your hunger. If you REALLY want a burger, settling for a sandwich is only going to take you so far. One can manage to stay true to one's hungers, with attention and conscious effort. It's worth the time to learn what you want on your personal menu, and worth the effort and expense to shop for the best quality ingredients to cook with. Velveeta isn't cheese, and a sub-optimal partner isn't going to get the job done either. Be the Martha Stewart of your personal life!